Lofty Expectations from Imperfect People

missed-markLofty expectations from imperfect people are a recipe for disappointment and unforgiveness.

As children we see our parents, grandparents, family members, and teachers as perfect specimens of human virtue.

As we grow and mature, we begin to see their faults, mistakes and other shortcomings.

And while the world you grew up in may have been filled with imperfect people (some more imperfect than others), you must learn to forgive and move on. More than likely, the people around you were operating out of their past experiences and not in ways to harm you or your self-esteem.

There comes a point in your life when you realize your parents aren’t perfect – Mia Wasikowska

As the prolific poet and writer, Dr. Maya Angelou says, “people do better when they know better”. 

Holding on to lofty expectations of what “should” have occurred, visions of past hurts, disappointments and feelings of inadequacy only serve to keep you stuck in situations that place you in the role of victim.

Although you can’t change the past, you can change the way you feel and think about yourself TODAY.

To change how you feel about your past experiences and expectations, change how you think about the expectations you’ve placed on yourself and others. Only YOU have the power to do that. You can choose to use that power to:

  • Change your perception so you don’t cloud how you think
  • Forgive yourself and others for mistakes
  • Take responsible action for your the life you want and deserve

If you are looking for validation, approval and acceptance from others, change course now.

When you look to others to affirm your worth, you give them way more power than they deserve.

Accept the fact that people will fall short of your expectations.  Use the following tips to shift your mindset from victim to victorious

  • Speak positive and encouraging words to combat negative messages about yourself
  • Seek help to rid yourself of past hurt, blame and unforgiveness
  • Remind yourself daily of how unique and wonderful you are

And, to learn more, I invite you to get a copy of my book, Master the Genie Within: Uncover, Embrace and Celebrate the Real You

Stop to Smell the Roses While In Pursuit of Happiness

Stop to smell the roses

Are you waiting for your situation to change so you can be happy? Many people are waiting for that illusive dream to manifest, the great idea to be implemented, the new house, car or some other tangible evidence that says they are Happy.

Stop to smell the roses while in pursuit of happiness!

Happiness is a state of mind based on how worthy you feel, how deserving you think you are of good things coming your way.

Your internal critic (the negative messages received and embedded in your subconscious) may attempt to sabotage your happiness quotient which will in turn affect your level of self-confidence and self-esteem.

Self-confidence is the realistic and positive expectations you have for yourself, your abilities and others. Self-confident people exude a sense of control in their lives.

Self-esteem is what you think of yourself.  If you think you are insignificant, unworthy, devalued, that is the perception you will also present to the world. How you allow yourself to be treated and the way you show up to the world has the greatest impact on your self esteem. No one can make you a doormat unless you willingly lie down.

Your happiness depends on the expectations and mindset you have about how happy you are.

To quote the actress, Betty Davis – “You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.”

Here are some tips to get your happy dance on…

  • Trust your feelings – Life is about trusting your feelings and taking chances, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.  Take time to experience to the utmost the little things that bring you joy.
  • Be grateful – Gratitude is a powerful state of mind.  It shifts your focus from lack to abundance and gives you a sense of contentment.
  • Lower your worry quotient – Worrying about things over which you have no control will overwhelm and deplete you. Concentrate on the things you have control over. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  • Be flexible – Things will not always go the way you want but if you are adaptable, you won’t raise your blood pressure by trying to have it your way. Allow for a change in plans.
  • Stop to smell the roses – In our hurry up, multitasking and over scheduled lives, we don’t stop long enough to relax, dream and enjoy life’s simple pleasures.  Don’t add more things into your day than you can reasonably handle. Take time for a leisurely walk, read an uplifting book or sit quietly listening to your favorite tunes.

Moment by moment, you can make a choice to be happy.  More often than not, it’s the little things that annoy, frustrate and derail happiness.   Expect happiness, embrace it and stop to smell the roses along the way.

Gladys Anderson – Life Coach, Therapist, Author

Certified Life Coach, Family therapist and Group Coaching Specialist, Gladys M. Anderson, helps nurses, teachers, social workers, therapists and other care-giving women to set limits so they have more time, more joy and more energy for self-care. To get tips, start living out loud with enthusiasm, energy, passion, and self-confidence now, get your copy of Building Strong Boundaries to Create More Breathing Space in Your Hectic Life

In Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony – Gandhi

Most people expend a great amount of time looking for happiness in all the wrong places . They chase dreams rather than live dreams. Their lives are stimulated only by addictions, religions, and even other people in a futile attempt to fill the void with purpose and meaning. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

Happiness is a state of mind based on how worthy you feel. How you feel about yourself is a direct result of the accumulated experiences you have had, particular growing up.  For instance, if you grew up being made to feel worthy, valued, loved, protected and respected, most likely you feel happier.

On the other hand, if your experiences led you to feeling unworthy, unloved and disrespected, you may be unhappy, have low self esteem, weak boundaries and lack confidence.

Your internal critic (the negative messages received and embedded in your subconscious) may attempt to sabotage your happiness quotient which will in turn affect your level of self-confidence and self-esteem.

Self confidence is the realistic and positive expectations you have for yourself, your abilities and others. Self confident people exude a sense of control in their lives.

Self esteem is what you think of yourself.  If you think you are insignificant, unworthy, devalued, that is the perception you will also present to the world. How you allow yourself to be treated and the way you show up to the world has the greatest impact on your self esteem. No one can make you a doormat unless you willingly lie down.

Fear is another negative influence that dictates how you feel, think and interact in your relationships with others.  Each time, you don’t speak up for what you deserve, want and need, you allow fear to rule.  Fear is an emotion and one that you have complete control over.  Your choices are to let fear rule or you rule fear.  Fear is the biggest obstacle to growth and change.

Procrastinating and putting off needed actions you believe you must take, is acknowledging that you really don’t have the necessary confidence to carry them out.

Your happiness depends on the expectations and mindset you have about happiness.

To quote the actress, Betty Davis – “You will never be happier than you expect. To change your happiness, change your expectation.”

Here are some tips to get your happy dance on…

  • Maintain a sense of humor; everything is not a matter of life or death. Try to find the humor in stressful situations.
  • Lower your worry quotient.  Worrying about things over which you have no control will overwhelm and deplete you. Concentrate on the things you have control over. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you must worry, allow yourself 5 minutes to dwell on the situation and move on to something more productive.
  • Be flexible.  Things will not always go the way you want but if you are adaptable, you won’t raise your blood pressure by trying to have it your way. Allow for a change in plans.
  • Schedule wisely. Don’t add more things into your day than you can reasonably handle.  Over scheduling leads to frustration, anger and resentment.  Avoid it. Set clear boundaries around your time.
  • Happiness is a series of choices you make that determine how you react or respond to a given situation.  Remember, no one but you can determine your happiness.  Make wise choices based on the things that are important to you.
  • Set realistic  expectations for yourself and others. Make sure your expectations aren’t rooted in faulty beliefs based on negative experiences.

 

Gladys Anderson – Life Coach, Therapist, Author

About the Author:

Gladys M. Anderson is a certified group coach, personal life coach and a licensed marriage & family therapist.  Gladys helps nurses, therapists, teachers and other caregivers establish boundaries,  build balance and create breathing space in their busy lives.

Stop the People-Pleasing Syndrome Dead in its Tracks

Pleasing others is not necessarily a bad thing. Considering the needs of others, graciousness and the willingness to help others are admirable traits.

For many people, the desire to please becomes a reliance on others for approval and acceptance, even when it restricts their own happiness and health. Constantly trying to gain acceptance, validation and approval is a detriment to relations, health and sabotages boundary making.

“As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created” writes Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., in The Disease to Please.

Consider the following statements to see if you can benefit from learning to say no to others more often—and yes to yourself.

“I put others’ needs before my own, even when the cost to me and my own happiness is great.”

“If someone needs my help, I can’t say no. In fact, I often find it difficult to say no. And when I do, I feel guilty.”

“To avoid reactions I’m afraid of, I often try to be who others want me to be, to agree with them, to fit in.”

If you can identify with any of the above statements, it may be time to take a look at how people pleasing impacts your life:

1) Are you looking for approval from others to increase your self-esteem?

2) Is validation you motivation for people pleasing?

3) Do you feel that you have to please others to get along with them?

4) Are you constantly saying yes, when you want to say no?

5) Are you hiding your real feelings when you say yes?

6) Do you think others will disapprove of you if you say no?

If any of the above resonates with you, I urge you to seriously consider what it is costing you to deny your feelings, desires and your own happiness.

Stop people pleasing and please yourself first!

Gladys Anderson – Life Coach, Therapist, Author

Gladys Anderson, founder of Coach for YOUR Dreams, is a certified life coach, licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and speaker. Gladys combines years of experience, training and a genuine commitment to helping nurses, teachers, therapists and other care giving women to set limits so they have more time, and energy to devote to self-care.