Silent Agreements You Make With Yourself

An agreement is defined as  coming to a mutual arrangement, the state of being in accord or an arrangement that is accepted by all parties to a transaction.

There are many types of agreements that we enter into such as a legal contract, an agreement to provide a service or product or an agreement to give or do a favor for someone and then there are the silent agreements we make with ourselves.

Silent agreements rob you of your voice and power and often guide you into making decisions that are counterproductive to your true wishes.

Silent agreements are the unspoken rules and beliefs that you internalize about how, why and what things you allow to influence you.  These agreements are not legal or binding.  No one has forced, persuaded or cajoled you into making these agreements.

Some of the silent agreements that may hinder, limit or influence your life are:

  • Taking responsibility for everything and everyone in your life.  For example, when you take on more and more responsibility than is yours, you’ll find yourself   running on the hamster wheel until you wear yourself out.  Allow others to be responsible for the things that they are responsible for.
  • Staying stuck because of fear and doubt – Fear of being accepted, loved, validated or liked will show up in how you relate to the people in your life and the choices you make.
  • Pleasing everyone but yourself – When you are busy making sure that everyone is happy and getting along, how happy are you in that role?
  • Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”.  Learning to say no and mean it is an empowering act that increases your confidence.
  • Using disparaging comments about yourself.

You may not be consciously aware that you’ve made these silent agreements with yourself.  But with a little digging, you can uncover these silent agreements, make new affirming agreements and be on your way to revealing your true self.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

  1. Take responsibility for only those things you have absolute control of.
  2. Use affirmations, positive self-talk to overcome fear and self-doubt.
  3. Learn to use no as a complete sentence without explanation when saying yes infringes unduly on your time, energy and desires.
  4. Make sure your needs register on the priority scale.  Carve out some “self-care” time to replenish your energy and clear your mind of clutter.
  5. Use empowering words like, “I choose” instead of “I have to” so that you are expressing clearly what you want, can do and are willing to accept.

Our silent agreements only serve to deceive others and us as we hide our true selves.

To learn more about how silent agreements influence your daily life and to uncover your true self, I encourage you to start by getting my book, Master the Genie Within where you will gain more insight, tools and resources to help you on your journey.

 

 

How Problems, Patterns and Perceptions Influence Your Behaviors

Woman pondering what If you’re anything like a lot of people, you’ve had your share of problems. And, that could be anything from a pesky leaky faucet to totaling your new car.

In the book, Power is Within You, written by the wise Louise Hays, she talks about how the problems we have with our cars may suggest some inner issue that we have not faced.  For example, if  you’re feeling stuck and can’t seem to move forward, that feeling might show up in the form of a flat tire preventing you from getting to your destination.

And, just as you would call your local auto club or a friend to fix your tire, you must call on your inner reserves and delve deep into the patterns and perceptions you embrace to repair the irrational beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

Maybe you believe you can’t do anything right. You may regularly find yourself making mistakes that you label “stupid or dumb” such as forgetting to put the trash out on trash day. That’s a simple mistake that can easily be remedied and has nothing to do with your capabilities or worth.

Whether you believe it or not, the events that occur in our lives are directly connected to what we believe about the world, other people and ourselves.

We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of these assumptions – Stephen Covey

Here are a few things to consider about problems, patterns and perceptions:

1. Inspect Your Expectations

Make a conscious effort to place realistic expectations on yourself and others. Try your best to consider the other person’s perspective. Ask yourself is your expectation is the result of a pattern or perception that the other person is not aware of. For example, your expectation might be that your daughter should rearrange her plans to take you to the mall today. Your may think that because she is your daughter, she should accommodate your request. If the word “should” enters your thoughts, it’s because you’re operating out of expectations.

2. Revise Your Patterns

A pattern is simply a blueprint of things you’ve always done. For example, if you’ve “always” hosted Sunday dinner for your in-laws, you’ve established a Sunday pattern. If you’ve ever sewn anything, you know that any pattern can easily be altered. The way to change a pattern is to measure and compare. Grade yourself on a scale of 1-10 as to whether or not you feel obligated, coerced or put upon by continuing this pattern,(with 10 being the most you are vested in sticking to the original pattern). If you find you’re stuck in a pattern that no longer works for you, change it to something that fits better with your timetable and lifestyle. And, of course, you can always say NO to anything you really don’t want to do!

3. Pesky Problems

Sometimes what we view as problems are nothing more than a bump in the road. It’s not a problem when you’re running late for an appointment and discover you have a flat tire. It’s an inconvenience. When your computer freezes up on you in the middle of a document, it’s not a problem. It’s an inconvenience. Many times we label inconveniences as problems when, in fact, it’s our perception and attitudes that allow “problems” to dictate our behavior and responses. It’s all about how you perceive them. If you view something as a problem, it will be a problem. But if you reframe it as an inconvenience, you know that it’s temporary and won’t change the course of your life.

Most of the time, it’s our perceptions and expectations that create “problems” and establish patterns that no longer fit. For more tips about how to align your perceptions with realistic expectations, I encourage you to get my book, Master the Genie Within